Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Fucking Christmas
I think that says it all. Nothing makes you feel like giving up more than being alone on days like this. Especially when you know everyone around you in your life don't care enough to see how you're doing. Not even a text.
Monday, December 19, 2011
I don't think there's a soul who cares about me
I don't think there's a person in the world who really cares about me. I don't have anyone to turn to and be honest about how I feel. I've felt like shit for months. Every day is worse than the day before, and I don't have anyone to cry to. I don't have anyone I can turn to and tell them that I hate what the future seems to hold for me. I need someone to care about me. I need someone to let out all my sorrow and pain to. Why do I have to hurt and why do I have to hurt alone? It's bad enough, but not having someone I trust makes me feel even worse. I can't be honest with a counselor, I can't be honest with a therapist. I can't say, "I don't want to live anymore." to one of them because I'd end up being locked up. How can I trust someone when that's hanging over my head?
I just need someone to hear me.
I just need someone to hear me.
Being Human
Being human means making mistakes and not being perfect.
Easy to live by that if you're successful. When you're in the shit, all your mistakes, big and small, are overwhelming. They hurt. i have just spent the night trying my hardest not to beat myself up over everything.
Easy to live by that if you're successful. When you're in the shit, all your mistakes, big and small, are overwhelming. They hurt. i have just spent the night trying my hardest not to beat myself up over everything.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Dating Follies Pt. 2
So I figured I'd try and revisit a topic which causes me much irritation, but plenty of amusement (I would imagine) to other people.
My second date, was with someone from Philly. She was interesting. Outgoing, we went out for burgers and beer. After the burgers, we ended up in one of those weird...squares where there's a few benches in the middle of a street. This was somewhere on the lower east side and it wasn't a bad place to let the beer and burger settle. People walked idly by, cars moved up and down the street...the world was nice.
That's when it happened.
On the bench across from where we were sitting, a rather large, presumably homeless middle-aged woman who was talking with some people sitting near her. She proceeded to scoot to the edge of her bench and, while dropping her pants, said to me and my date, "I'm sorry babies, when you get this old sometimes you just have to." And with that, she let loose a torrential rain of urine. We (me and my date/my date and I) were flabbergasted. In the middle of the lower east side, people walking all about and, believe it or not, with a tour bus filled with people passing right behind right as she let loose, here was a woman peeing out in the open in the middle of a street.
Joys of New York City right???
So that night ended on a surreal, "What-The-Fuck???" kind of moment lol.
We kept in touch, and made plans...I think that weekend to have dinner during happy hour at one of my favorite places. THAT turned out to be a complete disaster.
So we met at her friend's house, oddly, not that far from where I currently live. I was absolutely starving. We hung out there for at least an hour while she begged her friends to come with us. That was frustrating as hell. Let's call that Strike 1.
Strike 2 came from us not being able to walk and talk without her texting. Granted, that's the age we live in. Hell, I text all the time myself, but on a date? Come on. Maybe a couple, but she was getting stupid with it. Literally, in the transfer between...the red line sub and the f train that we were going to take, we stopped in a tunnel, standing in a spot where she got reception so she could send some texts. That's pathetic.
Strike 3 came at the bar we were at. She literally could not stop texting while we were at the table. What made it even worse was the fact she was texting about a picture of some guy's father that she knew. I obviously wasn't that big a deal. Sad thing is, when she acted like a human being and put away the phone, we had a good time, but that was just too much. By then, I just didn't give a fuck and I already decided that there was no way I was going to see her again.
That second date was so bad, that the two women sitting next to us gave me sympathetic looks when she kept pulling out her phone and I had half a mind to ask one of them out. She was cute (the one I was considering saying hi to), but I'm too much a wimp. How much of a slap in the face would that have been to her if I did ask that woman out? I would have saved on some of the many gin and juices I ordered. I knew I didn't want to be sober by the time we left. :P
- A Life Depressed
My second date, was with someone from Philly. She was interesting. Outgoing, we went out for burgers and beer. After the burgers, we ended up in one of those weird...squares where there's a few benches in the middle of a street. This was somewhere on the lower east side and it wasn't a bad place to let the beer and burger settle. People walked idly by, cars moved up and down the street...the world was nice.
That's when it happened.
On the bench across from where we were sitting, a rather large, presumably homeless middle-aged woman who was talking with some people sitting near her. She proceeded to scoot to the edge of her bench and, while dropping her pants, said to me and my date, "I'm sorry babies, when you get this old sometimes you just have to." And with that, she let loose a torrential rain of urine. We (me and my date/my date and I) were flabbergasted. In the middle of the lower east side, people walking all about and, believe it or not, with a tour bus filled with people passing right behind right as she let loose, here was a woman peeing out in the open in the middle of a street.
Joys of New York City right???
So that night ended on a surreal, "What-The-Fuck???" kind of moment lol.
We kept in touch, and made plans...I think that weekend to have dinner during happy hour at one of my favorite places. THAT turned out to be a complete disaster.
So we met at her friend's house, oddly, not that far from where I currently live. I was absolutely starving. We hung out there for at least an hour while she begged her friends to come with us. That was frustrating as hell. Let's call that Strike 1.
Strike 2 came from us not being able to walk and talk without her texting. Granted, that's the age we live in. Hell, I text all the time myself, but on a date? Come on. Maybe a couple, but she was getting stupid with it. Literally, in the transfer between...the red line sub and the f train that we were going to take, we stopped in a tunnel, standing in a spot where she got reception so she could send some texts. That's pathetic.
Strike 3 came at the bar we were at. She literally could not stop texting while we were at the table. What made it even worse was the fact she was texting about a picture of some guy's father that she knew. I obviously wasn't that big a deal. Sad thing is, when she acted like a human being and put away the phone, we had a good time, but that was just too much. By then, I just didn't give a fuck and I already decided that there was no way I was going to see her again.
That second date was so bad, that the two women sitting next to us gave me sympathetic looks when she kept pulling out her phone and I had half a mind to ask one of them out. She was cute (the one I was considering saying hi to), but I'm too much a wimp. How much of a slap in the face would that have been to her if I did ask that woman out? I would have saved on some of the many gin and juices I ordered. I knew I didn't want to be sober by the time we left. :P
- A Life Depressed
Thursday, December 8, 2011
School Fears
I'm afraid of what might happen this coming spring and for the next school year. As things stand right now, I can't afford to take classes for the next semester. I just can't. On top of that, I don't know if my transfer to San Diego or San Francisco State will be approved and frankly, I don't want to go to either school. I'm in a weird place right now. There's no realistic single direction that I can focus on that I like. Every option I have I can't stomach. I don't want to go back to California at all. I'm afraid I'm never going to get my degree. What will I do if I can't even get into SDSU or SFSU? That's going to crush me and frankly, with the way that my life has gone, I don't believe for a second that I'm actually going to get into either school. I really don't think I can handle this.
There's something to be said about putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time, blah blah blah. That's fine and dandy when you have at least something to work towards. I don't even know which direction to go in at this point, so how do I know I'm not walking over a cliff?
There's something to be said about putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time, blah blah blah. That's fine and dandy when you have at least something to work towards. I don't even know which direction to go in at this point, so how do I know I'm not walking over a cliff?
Friday, December 2, 2011
Dating Follies Pt. 1
It's been a long time in writing this. I don't want to always talk about negative things and I also want to be able to take some of my more pathetic experiences and flip them into something positive.
Maybe this is a moronic idea, but hear me out. Ever since I've moved into Harlem, I've been trying to date. Hilarious right?
Let me explain. I decided, "Well fuck, my ex dropped me like a bad habit, there's no point in my sitting around moping and feeling awful about myself. I need to do something about this and get the fuck out the house. No better way to forget about the last one than to find yourself a new someone."
I completely forgot I'm a moron and a misfit. Harsh reality comes crashing down around me with every date I seem to go on. Such is the way of...well...me.
So I signed up for a dating site. Decided to try my hand (no not in that way) and see what comes of it (again...not in that way).
First "date" I went on was with a girl from Westchester. Before the meet up,we had spent quite a bit of time texting on the phone, we clicked. I really liked her personality. We both happened to have a penchant for an herbal product that shall not be named and we made plans to meet up at a park in Harlem after she had gotten off of work to smoke and get food. Munchies, gotta love it.
I should be frank, I'm not a smoker, I prefer to eat my baked goodies. Not only do I have mild asthma, but it burns my lungs something awful and I never actually seem to get any affect from smoking. Sadly, this was no different, burnt lungs, no floating off into space, but at least some good company and the chicken and rice we ended up getting was surprisingly fantastic. I now have a love and appreciation for the Halal carts. Kinda making me hungry if I'm honest.
I had a good time, she said she did, we made plans to go out during Halloween weekend. We kept in touch, but never went out again. Halloween weekend was a complete bust as she was stuck upstate near Albany and couldn't get back. Frankly, I'm not even sure if she cared to come back. In my experiences dating out here, just because the girl says she enjoyed the date, doesn't mean she's telling the truth in the least bit. I've had way too many experiences where I get absolutely no response back. In any case, eventually we stopped communicating. She works fairly close to where I live and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if someone is actually interested in you, they'll find time to be around you. I'd ask her if she was interested in going out, grabbing dinner, etc...there was always an excuse. Now maybe I was too sensitive and assumed incorrectly, but what's done is done. That was...gosh...not long after I moved to Harlem so maybe around the 12th or 19th of October? Something like that.
So that was my first date after the ex. A flop. Disappointing too, but I assure you, my experiences get mch worse and this will be a first in a long, sad, multi-part re-examination on my absolute ineptitude as far as dating seems to go.
- A Life Depressed
Maybe this is a moronic idea, but hear me out. Ever since I've moved into Harlem, I've been trying to date. Hilarious right?
Let me explain. I decided, "Well fuck, my ex dropped me like a bad habit, there's no point in my sitting around moping and feeling awful about myself. I need to do something about this and get the fuck out the house. No better way to forget about the last one than to find yourself a new someone."
I completely forgot I'm a moron and a misfit. Harsh reality comes crashing down around me with every date I seem to go on. Such is the way of...well...me.
So I signed up for a dating site. Decided to try my hand (no not in that way) and see what comes of it (again...not in that way).
First "date" I went on was with a girl from Westchester. Before the meet up,we had spent quite a bit of time texting on the phone, we clicked. I really liked her personality. We both happened to have a penchant for an herbal product that shall not be named and we made plans to meet up at a park in Harlem after she had gotten off of work to smoke and get food. Munchies, gotta love it.
I should be frank, I'm not a smoker, I prefer to eat my baked goodies. Not only do I have mild asthma, but it burns my lungs something awful and I never actually seem to get any affect from smoking. Sadly, this was no different, burnt lungs, no floating off into space, but at least some good company and the chicken and rice we ended up getting was surprisingly fantastic. I now have a love and appreciation for the Halal carts. Kinda making me hungry if I'm honest.
I had a good time, she said she did, we made plans to go out during Halloween weekend. We kept in touch, but never went out again. Halloween weekend was a complete bust as she was stuck upstate near Albany and couldn't get back. Frankly, I'm not even sure if she cared to come back. In my experiences dating out here, just because the girl says she enjoyed the date, doesn't mean she's telling the truth in the least bit. I've had way too many experiences where I get absolutely no response back. In any case, eventually we stopped communicating. She works fairly close to where I live and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if someone is actually interested in you, they'll find time to be around you. I'd ask her if she was interested in going out, grabbing dinner, etc...there was always an excuse. Now maybe I was too sensitive and assumed incorrectly, but what's done is done. That was...gosh...not long after I moved to Harlem so maybe around the 12th or 19th of October? Something like that.
So that was my first date after the ex. A flop. Disappointing too, but I assure you, my experiences get mch worse and this will be a first in a long, sad, multi-part re-examination on my absolute ineptitude as far as dating seems to go.
- A Life Depressed
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Feeling defeated...
Right now I'm working on filling out applications to go back to California and finish school there. The way I feel right now fucking sucks. I hate the idea of going back. I'm looking at San Francisco State and San Diego State, neither school excites me, neither school appeals to me in anyway. That's not an indictment on either school, they're both pretty good, my heart simply isn't in it. I'm still pretty stuck in the what if mode and starting to panic. I dunno why but all of a sudden I feel it. Blah.
Somehow I hope to be able to look back on this and laugh or cry in relief. Today is the deadline, I've been putting this off forever and I shouldn't have been. The internet here at the library sucks ass and I brought a lot of this on myself. I really should have been on the ball and done this sooner. Whatever, gotta get it done, but I really don't want to go back. Reality says unless I start working some miracles and get my shit together I won't have a choice though.
Fuck my life,
A Life Depressed
Somehow I hope to be able to look back on this and laugh or cry in relief. Today is the deadline, I've been putting this off forever and I shouldn't have been. The internet here at the library sucks ass and I brought a lot of this on myself. I really should have been on the ball and done this sooner. Whatever, gotta get it done, but I really don't want to go back. Reality says unless I start working some miracles and get my shit together I won't have a choice though.
Fuck my life,
A Life Depressed
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